i've caused my sweet 4-year-old to lose her cool

First day of school

We had a sunny summer of bliss, Lilly and I, me taking time off from work to regain some perspective, and she growing ever more confident and amazingly competent at the pool and at the beach. There was no hurry. There was only savoring.

Then comes fall. "Fall of excitement, here I come!" I posted on Facebook while packing up for my first trip abroad to promote my book. Preschool resumed while I was gone; missing first day of that is in itself a faux pas.

I've never missed any of her big milestones. In fact, I've only been gone from her a single night before on two different occasions and that was both three years ago. Then towards the end of this summer, Leighton and I had our first couple's only vacation, leaving her with grandparents she doesn't see that often for three whole nights.

And then I go over seas for ten days. In turn she starts extended days in preschool so Leighton can get his work done.

Seeing her again at the airport last Tuesday was pure bliss. She was so happy to see me! So excited! And the feeling was completely mutual.

But then came the nights with my exasperation at her crawling all over my body. And a house full of stress with both Leighton and I having more than our share on our plate this fall. As they say; when it rains, it pours.

final summer bravado: first romantic getaway as parents

On this last morning of work before we head off on vacation, I've finished up a few things I had to do this week for an erotic film festival I'm co-curating. I was also going to work on an abstract for an article on the speed limits of women's desire in Norway. Instead I've found myself googling fun and romantic things to do in Denver, Colorado where Leighton and I will be spending a few days and nights while Lilly gets to visit her grandma and grandpa in Wyoming. It'll be our first couple's only vacation after Lilly was born and we are all very excited. I'm hoping it stays that way, and that we won't get a phone call with a crying child on the other end begging us to come get her. She had her first sleepover at a friend's house a couple of weeks ago while we went out to celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary, and we all had a wonderful time that night, so I'm hopeful. 

I'm particularly excited about the romantic date nights we've got planned, getting hungry just looking at all the mouthwatering pictures from recommended restaurants, such as Le Central (French food, French wine, French desserts... nothing says romance like a French bistro... Call ahead to reserve a spot in the delightful garden room at the back of the eatery for a French countryside ambiance); Cuba Cuba (Cuba Cuba offers traditional Cuban fare in a cozy setting — plus they serve Denver's best Mojitos. Dine by candlelight on the patio for that perfect date ambiance); Highland's Garden (Soak in the quiet ambiance of the restaurant while savoring the fine dining. After a sumptuous meal, stroll hand-in-hand through the gardens and take in the sights of the lush gardens); Tamayo (A rooftop deck that affords gorgeous views of the Front Range... This sleek, contemporary Mexican restaurant is appreciated equally for its to-die-for margaritas and tequilas and its unexpected, delicious takes on old standards); and Sushi Den (Wonderful, high-quality dishes are sure to please, and fresh fish is flown in daily — a practice that makes for a slightly pricier, but more than worthy, menu. The modern decor encourages trendy crowds to visit over sake, sushi, and sashimi).

different cultural approaches to parenting and uses of homes: books i'd like to read

Summer arrived this past weekend just in time for spring break, and it makes me want to kick back and relax in the sunshine with a good book. Of course, that's not so easily done when you have a 3-year-old home from preschool all week, but should the opportunity arise, these are a few of the books I'm eager to get my nose into:

• Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman.
  The balanced, laissez-faire style of parenting her memoir recounts appeals to my own approach to parenting. "Most French children, unlike many of their American counterparts, did not need to be entertained constantly by their parents," explains Druckerman to NPR. — "'French children seem to be able to play by themselves in a way.' Some might see this scenario as evidence that the French are less thrilled with having children and are more selfish as parents than their American counterparts who are constantly playing with their children. But Druckerman does not think this is the case. 'The French view is really one of balance, I think. ... What French women would tell me over and over is, it's very important that no part of your life — not being a mom, not being a worker, not being a wife — overwhelms the other part.'"

why you shouldn't trust sleep experts {featured read}

I've always been skeptical to the universally prescriptive measures of sleep experts, so this new survey of 300 sleep studies analyzing more than a century of sleep experts' research, stood out to me for at least a couple of reasons. 1) For more than a century, children have consistently gotten less sleep than recommended guidelines. 2) Recommended guidelines change over time and appear to be pretty subjective. 3) The hectic pace of modern life has been blamed as the culprit throughout all the surveyed studies, dating from the late 19th century.

So perhaps they do need more sleep. But in reality, there is almost no evidence about how much sleep kids truly need to function their best. “We think for no particularly good reason that kids need more sleep than they’re getting,” says [senior author Tim Olds, a professor of health sciences at the University of South Australia in Adelaide, who studies health and how we use our time]. “People are always recommending kids sleep more than they do.” “Every so often a group of blokes get together and say, What do you recommend, boys? Should we push it up to 9 hours, 15 minutes? It really is like that, honestly. It’s an arbitrary public-health line in the sand that people draw.”
...
The take-home message, according to Olds? “Never trust sleep experts.”

Read the whole article at Time Healthland: A History of Kids and Sleep: Why They Never Get Enough

balance, schmalance and sheet therapy

I’ve read somewhere that depression is worrying about the past, and anxiety is worrying about the future. I've been doing a lot of both lately. And aside from writing about it here now and then, I haven't done that necessary murking around, as my therapist calls it, not to feel like there's this huge tsunami brewing that will wash over and drown me.

So I went back to therapy this week for a third round of serious murking around. I realized when talking with my therapist that I had somehow fooled myself into thinking that my previous rounds of therapy had, if not fixed me, at least sort of allowed me to take care of business and put it behind me. Not true. The wound inside will always be there. I can distract myself as best as I can, but it won't make it go away. And the more I avoid going there, the more I refuse to let it be part of me, the uglier and more ashamed I feel.

did you set out to sleep train your child?

Working on my sleep question book again, I'm struck by the absence of the hardcore sleep trainer. Sure, there are several moms and dads who've shared their experiences using some form of the Ferber method with its recommended intervals of crying, or the Baby Wise sleep scheduling and cry-it-out approach, or Dr. Weissbluth's solution of "controlled crying" or "all crying" ("extinction"), but I have yet to find a first-time parent that set out to sleep train from the get-go. While some are quicker to turn to sleep training, and all seem happy with the results, most moms and dads who've shared their experiences with me, resorted to sleep training as a final recourse after much sleepless agony.

When I started my sleep question project, I imagined I'd find one camp of co-sleepers and nurse-on-demand mamas, and another die-hard camp of sleep trainers and child behavior schedulers. What I've found instead are these murky waters of a lot of in-between and a-little-of-all.

Which is why I now wonder: is there anybody out there who set out to sleep train their firstborn child from the outset? Did you or do you know someone who did? Please comment or email me at anne(at)lovesexfamily.com. And please pass this on to other moms and dads. Thanks!

women with "wrong" bodies and attempts at healing

Lilly and I: May she never be
told her body is "wrong."

Women are constantly bombarded with imageries that tell them there's somehow something wrong with their bodies; that they don't measure up. But this post is not about those kind of "wrong" bodies. This post is about when Western medicine tells women their bodies don't function right; that they're "wrong."

I got this message from an early age. Feeling unsafe at home, I suffered from insomnia from an early age. I had headaches, frequent colds, and in general a poor constitution. There were concerns I would go deaf when I grew up because my hearing was "poor" (I think it was selective). And they wanted to test me for diabetes since I was "too thirsty" all the time (see, I've always been a swiller.)

The real problems started when I "failed" to get my period. I maybe had a little spotting at some point late in middle school, but it never developed into anything. When I was 18, this was cause for alarm. There were frequent hormone tests and attempts at jumpstarting my period with strong birth control pills; pills that were later taken off the market because of near fatal side effects.

go the fuck to sleep

I am returning to my Sleep Question book this week. In that spirit, I'm posting this You Tube video of Samuel L. Jackson reading the parody childrens book, Go the Fuck to Sleep, which has seen a runaway success.

If The Sleep Question won't be as laugh-out hilarious, I can promise you that it will make you feel as unjudged and not alone.

sex & conception: the heartaches of calculated pregnancies

Me and Lilly, June 2008

We've been trying to have another baby. We've been trying for more than two years. Granted, I did only get my period back this past spring, a couple of months before she turned three and she told me there was no more left.

I was overjoyed when my period returned in April. I have hated it whenever it's since paid its monthly visit.

It always bothered me I never knew when we actually conceived Lilly. Back then, we were newly married and could act like rabbits. Sex wasn't something we planned or decided to do; it just happened. Often. It was sweet.

Things are a little a lot more complicated now. I'm a fan of the quicky; weekend "naps" are great. When they happen, that is. As far as I can remember, Lilly has always resisted naps, and especially during the weekend when she has both parents around. By the time Lilly's in bed at night, we're all exhausted.

equally shared parenting hurts

As a feminist and equal rights advocate, I was surprised and slightly disgruntled to experience how hard it was to let go of my position as the "primary-parent." I'd been with Lilly 24 -7 that first year of her life so you'd think I'd be ready for a break. Which I craved, but the transition still took some time. And arguing.

Equally shared parenting. It's actually a term and now there's a book for it too. In it, the authors stress that moms must relinquish "primary-parent status:"

If you want lasting and happy equal childraising with your partner, you will need to:

1. Stop thinking of babies and children as your territory.
2. Quit taking on more than half the childraising work and responsibility.
3. Give up the right to be your child's most important parent. (60)

And that second year of Lilly's life, we did it, Leighton and I, sharing our days writing and being with her, playing, cleaning, shopping, cooking.

Correction: the sharing was never equal. I still nursed her day and night. And up until only a couple of weeks ago, I've been the one sharing my bed with her with her body next to me / on top of me.

I am still slightly resentful for how Leighton and I stuck to a schedule where we'd each get a couple of mornings to write (seeing that's the preferred writing time for both of us). On the days when it was my turn to write in the afternoon, I'd still linger after lunch, trying to nurse her down for nap. Which would ultimately eat up half my writing time, leaving me brainless for the rest of it.

I don't know why we held on to that arrangement for so long. The idealism of it. Why I could never suggest we change things up a bit.

sleep baby, sleep

My husband's not a jerk or an old-fashioned dude. When his response to my announcement that I am ready--and think Lilly is ready-- to sleep in her own bed at night is "so does this mean I will be tired too now?" it does not mean that he is not a devoted co-parent. Far from it. If you know Leighton, you know this is just his bemused way of thinking each step through. If you step back a little, you might even find it amusing (unless you're the spouse; in particular one who's been on edge).

In fact, it was I who asked Leighton to leave the family bed when I was about to nighttime wean Lilly. Sure, the bed had felt way too hot and crowded for quite a while up until then. But I was so wanting her to self-wean. She was nineteen months, and I figured her constant requests for the boob would soon dwindle. Except it didn't. And then when I started driving through red stop signs, I knew it was time.

But Leighton has a kind, sensitive heart, and I knew I couldn't worry about him lying there aching for Lilly while I was having my own hard time with the weaning issue; so I asked him to sleep in her bed.

take care of yourself: on body, soul, and sleep

I've felt frazzled lately and this week I set out to do something about that; to take care of myself. I know getting my body moving helps lift my spirit. So instead of our usual mid morning to-do stuff, I would go for a good, long walk with Lilly in the stroller, rain or shine. At three, she's not crazy about this, but with the wonder of what we've been finding in nature, it's been a really good thing for us.

On the first day, we came upon a duck on main street downtown, trying to get all her little ducklings up on the sidewalk. -- It took several attempts for the little ones and much encouragement from mama duck. It was an amazing experience to watch; would she leave the littlest one behind after all the other ones had made it up after numerous failed attempts? But no, down she went again, helping her babe up with her beak. Talk about attachment parenting. Then down the sidewalk with ducklings in tow, she headed for the river.

Another day, we spotted a deer right in front of us on the trail in the prairie arboretum we're so fortunate to have nearby. Then on our way home, Lilly got a skinny dip in the fountain downtown with a friend while I got to talk with mine.

the power of the boob

One of the mamas I interviewed for my Sleep Question book used this term to describe the nursing relationship she had with her children. The power of the boob to comfort, nurture; to help bring to sleep.

I can definitely relate. Lilly will turn three this month, but the power of the boob holds strong. There have been periods when it's been driving me crazy, like at around the 18 months mark where she seemed to ask for it constantly throughout the night. When I had reached the point of oblivion to red stop signs and lights, a dear friend helped me find a strategy to reduce the nighttime nursings without feeling like I was weaning her (I've always wanted to let her self-wean).

Our solution was a combination of Dr. Sears' list of night weaning alternatives, in particular his "Just say no!," "Nummies go night-night," and "Let baby be the barometer." I would talk to her during the day and before bedtime about how the boobs have gotten so tired; how they need some rest and sleep at night now. Then I made up my mind as to how many of the nighttime nursings I wanted to end, and at what time she could have free rein to nurse on demand again. Finally, I told my husband to sleep in another room. We'd been enjoying our family bed up until then, but I had begun to feel crowded out in bed. I realized there might be some whining, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stay committed to my goal if I were to worry about my husband (who's as opposed to her crying as I am) as well as her.

The first night when she asked for the boob, and I said no, she did cry. Right away and almost before I had a chance to respond, knowing already the answer. And in an angry manner, not despondent or despairing. I used her daytime behavior to gauge how she was dealing with this new nighttime situation; and she seemed fine, just a bit more mama needy perhaps, and even more physical, with which I was fine.

finding the everyday pleasures in parenting

Responding to a fellow blogger's post, which quoted a passage on finding the everyday pleasures in parenting, my sweet husband Leighton left this most beautiful comment: 

"I paused as I walked out the door today, partly to catch my breath before heading out into another hectic world of work. But also to watch as my daughter flung Play-Doh across the kitchen, snot running over onto her upper lip, a grin colored with the strange delight of acting carelessly when boredom and tiredness are just about to set in; and to watch as my wife washed the dishes after lunch, gearing down into an early afternoon routine intended to lull our daughter into naptime and free up time for her own sanity, knowing however that this doesn't always work and the next five hours might be the most trying in her life, preparing. This was my parenting pleasure, an inward smile in my mind, because I have the privilege of sharing these moments everyday with the two people I love most. Moments that mean something for me alone but somehow connect me with most every person, does that make any sense?"

Here's the quote that inspired him (from Marley and Me by John Grogan):

"They {the kids} defined our life now, and while parts of us missed the leisurely vacations, lazy Saturdays reading novels, and romantic dinners that lingered late into the night, we had come to find our pleasures in new ways- in spilled applesauce and tiny nose prints on windowpanes and the soft symphony of bare feet padding down the hallway at dawn. Even on the worst days, we usually managed to find something to smile over, knowing by now what every parent sooner or later figures out, that these wondrous days of early parenthood- of diapered bottoms and first teeth and incomprehensible jabber- are but a brilliant, brief flash in the vastness of an otherwise ordinary lifetime." (185-86)

nap strike

We're dealing with a nap strike. Just as I'd formed the blissful thought of how much more reliable the afternoon nap has been for Lilly this past year, she's now simply refusing it.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I kind of know why. I've been lying down with her to sleep for nap and night since she was born (she'll be three in two months) and seeing the hours of a day that can take, I guess I just had enough in the end. It's not like it's been a conscious decision, however, though Leighton has been thanking me for what I'm doing for us, for the family, for the time he and I now get by me leaving Lilly in bed awake at night after nursing her down and then cuddling some, including the work it has taken after that when at first she wanted to leave the room or would whine.

Her wanting to leave the room at night or whine only lasted a couple of nights though, as did the whining. It's been more about 'enforcing' the getting ready for bed thing when she wants to run around, even when dead tired, that's been the issue. Nighttime lately has been quite the ordeal (dealing with an overtired child) as well as a liberation. - Finally, I can get up and have some time to myself at night (though that implies that I've been staying up too late too).

The other (negative) outcome of this new (positive?!) turn of her being able to sooth herself to sleep after I've nursed and cuddled with her, is, ahh, that she simply refuses to nap. We'll lie down, I'll nurse, we'll cuddle, she'll be snoring, it's been 45 minutes; I tease my body out of the bed, and snap, she's awake -- "mama!"

I can't even begin to express how frustrating this has been. Yes, both my husband and I enjoy the time at night we're getting now. But man, the afternoon gets long and exasperating. I can see how overtired she is. So it's not like she's just grown out of the nap; she still clearly needs it! As is evident from this new phase of whiny exhausted spells of her crumbling up on the floor if I won't go get her that green bag she so desperately needs that's lying on the floor just a foot in front of her face.  Or something else along those lines.

I asked her yesterday: Why can't you nap? She answered: It's so difficult to sleep. - Why? I asked. - I'm thinking, she responded. - About what? I searched. - About mama. - Mama what? - Mama helping me. - Helping with what? - Helping me sleep.

Then there are days, like this past Tuesday, before winter set in again as it feels like it has today, and we were out in our shorts and sandals and hats, goofing around, none of us even wanting to try for a nap, and all was good. May those days return again soon (or some other restorative winds).

you know how kids on airplanes kick their feet into the seat in front of them?

Leighton went to a Montessori workshop a couple of weeks ago where a presenter talked about the importance for children of having size appropriate furniture, such as chairs that allow their feet to reach the ground. To achieve this, the presenter recommended the child eating by a separate lower table next to the adults' dining table. I'm not crazy about that idea. Maybe if we had more than one child. For now I like to have Lilly "with" us at the table when we have dinner.

Feet grounded

However, this presenter's emphasis on children's need to have their feet reach the floor to feel grounded has caused some conversation around here. Might it explain her (very annoying) pushing of her feet into my driver's seat? Or her kicking at the table during meals? And the coffee table when we're on the couch, crunching the rug into an accordion? Or does she do that because she wants to have her feet on the table like I do?

But how about in bed? While she will sleep calmly and snuggly next to me, she has this thing of pushing her legs into my body when she wakes up in the morning. If we don't get up right away, that is.

Like yesterday morning. So it's Saturday and I'm down with a cold and I don't feel like getting up when she wakes up before 7. So I lie there, feigning sleep. As she squirmingly and relentlessly persists in kicking my body. What's up with that? While she has the decency not to "wake" me by speaking until I actually turn around and open my eyes, she just kept on like that for the entire hour and a half it took me to feel like I could "start" the day.

Of course, by then I was so frustrated that I poured all that crap out on Leighton. And I remain wondering, what's the deal with the kicking?

ever feel like you're being stalked by a toddler?

I love sharing my bed with Lilly, but in the morning I'm in serious need for some space to myself. To at least make coffee. Have some breakfast. Ideally check my e-mail real quick.

Yesterday morning, I was at my wits end; not only was I being stalked by my toddler, she was literally standing on my slippers at one point as I was trying to pour myself a cup of coffee. Being sick with a banging headache, I didn't feel much like the scream and feel better approach. Instead I texted a mama in arms: "Ever feel like you're being stalked by a toddler?" Right away a text popped up in return: "You have good timing. I was about to scream, you made me laugh."

Perhaps sometimes a text message is all you need to regain some sanity.

mamas on the verge of a nervous breakdown

I received an email from a friend this morning, reporting on research that stresses the importance of concentrated focus despite the creative rewards of daydreaming: "Lose Focus, Lose Happiness." Perhaps this has been my problem lately. I've mentioned that, while developing my new business, I've been assigned to take inventory of my strengths and weaknesses. Topping the latter is: "desire to do all at once." To compensate for this, I've drafted a plan for what to do when, but it doesn't seem to be working for me. There's just that competitive urge in me to beat the list, and to get more done than it believes possible. To get more done sooner means to get more done at once. So then there's juggling work on my feminist porn book, which I'm translating from Norwegian to English; and my article on sex among youth that I'm revising to submit. And there's blogging both here and there. And there's developing LOVE, SEX, AND FAMILY.

All this as a full-time mama of a toddler who is not fond of sleep, leaving me no time at night (since I go to bed with her) and only a measly hour or so in the afternoon when she naps.

Solution?

1. Attempt enforcement of quite time after lunch while she looks at books, draws, or plays quietly as I get some stuff done on my computer. 
2. Sneak away to my ad hoc desk in our bedroom whenever Leighton's around and I'm not busy cooking or cleaning.
3. Get up in the middle of the night after my nocturnal bathroom run to write in a sleeping house.

It's not working out to much satisfaction. And as a result, I find myself prone to thoughts and emotions I'm not proud of. I'm definitely not in my finest days as a mom.

need another reason to co-sleep?

Reports Medical News today: "Cribs, playpens, and bassinets are associated with more than 9,500 injuries in young children each year, according to a retrospective analysis of a national injury database."

Among the findings:

• Most of the injuries involved cribs (83.2%), followed by playpens (12.6%) and bassinets (4.2%).
• Falls accounted for two-thirds of injuries overall, although that proportion increased with age, likely because of increased mobility and climbing skills.
• The most common diagnosis was a soft-tissue injury (34.1%), followed by a concussion or closed-head injury (21.1%).
• The two most frequently injured body parts were the head or neck (40.3%) and face (27.5%).
• The vast majority of children were treated and released (93.9%); 4% were admitted, transferred, or held for observation; 1.2% died; and 0.9% left against medical advice.
• Most of the deaths occurred in infants younger than 6 months and involved a diagnosis of cardiopulmonary arrest or sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).
• Hospitalization, transfer, or being held for observation was more common in children younger than 6 months and in those with fractures.

What I find particularly striking about these findings is that most deaths occurred in infants younger than 6 months, involving a diagnosis of cardiopulmonary arrest or sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). We chose to bed-share because of recent studies (including Dr. Sears' personal study of his wife bed-sharing with their children, reported in their Attachment Parenting book) indicate that co-sleeping encourages the baby's breathing to synchronize with its mom's, and because when bed-sharing we wouldn't have to get up to go check on her; she would be right there with us and we would know she was fine. Of course, it was also so much easier for me not to have to get up at night to nurse, and we were lucky in that it was easy for us to nurse lying down from the beginning, which I know is not the case for many.

with child's sleep: no cry, some cry, or let cry?

It's a constant issue in conversations with fellow parents when it comes to their children's sleep; do we never if at all possible let the child cry, or just some, or do we have the child cry it all out and be done with it. What do you think? What works best for you, in your experience? Should the child be trained to self-sooth so as to fall asleep on his/her own? Or should we expect to be there for the child's sleep, even if it implies driving for-seemingly-ever to help the child nap. And is it ok to have your child collapse at night in your arms while you're watching a movie, because frankly, you're not feeling much like putting the child down for bed (especially if it implies lying there for a good hour or so).

I've set up a quick poll (see linked to the right) and would love to hear your opinion. And if you have the time, I would really appreciate receiving your comments in response to my questions for my Sleep Question book, which I will include below.

Since becoming a mom two and a half years ago, sleep has been a constant thing on my mind. How do I get my baby to sleep? And then to stay asleep? How do I find enough sleep? How do I handle this with my husband? And so on and on. I launched my current book project, The Sleep Question,  a collection of interviews with fellow moms (and some dads) of young children about their experiences with sleep a year ago or so, and I'm still looking for more stories. I've conducted in-person interviews with people I could reach, but would love to hear from more people, near and far away.

Feel free to respond either in the comment section to this post or via email to agsabo[at]gmail.com. I'll change all names in the final manuscript, but feel free to leave out or change names yourself in what you submit to me.

 

THE SLEEP QUESTIONS:

• Please state the ages of yourself and your child(ren) and say a little bit about yourself (especially as you might find relevant to a discussion about the way you sleep/nighttime parent)
  
  
• Did you have any preconceived ideas about the child’s sleep (sleep arrangement) prior to birth?
  [Had you thought about how you thought things would be, had you planned where the child would sleep?]
  
  
• How did it go? What did you do? Naps, nights (where and when)
• Then? Now? What have characterized different stages? Nap and bedtime routines?
• Did you ever feel like a human pillow for your child’s naps? If so, under what circumstances, how often, for how long?
• Have you nursed your child, if so, how has that affected your sleep arrangements? If you have not nursed, how do you think that has affected your sleep situation?

• Has your child ever struggled to sleep (falling asleep, staying asleep)? If so, when and for what reasons, do you think? How long did the difficult stretch last, what helped you and the child get through and over it?

• What different strategies did you try?

• How has your own sleep been (from before pregnancy, through it, till now)?

• How has the relationship to your spouse or co-parent been? Do you feel you can share the responsibility of sleep parenting?

• How have you or how do you intend to balance work/staying at home/child care and how do you think that has or will affect your sleep parenting (has or will someone else be putting your child down for naps, night)?

• What books have you read about this topic, and have they been helpful or not?

• If you have two children or more, how have experiences with your first child affected the sleep arrangements with your other child(ren)?
• Did you change anything?
• Do the children seem to relate differently to sleep? If so, how?
  
• What would you do differently (or the same) if you have another child?

• What do you like, dislike about your sleep arrangements?
  
  
• Do you remember the first time you paused to think about your child’s sleep?