mucking around in the mud, opening my heart to the sun

My yoga teacher said something beautiful the other day about the symbolism of the lotus flower in yogic tradition. — How the lotus flower grows from the bottom of muddy, cloudy waters, rising above the surface and opening itself to the sun. Suggesting how we too can open our hearts to lightness and brightness, even when we feel ourselves stuck, mucking around in the mud, be it our everyday mundane lives or grief-stricken anguish.

This reminded me of how another yoga teacher used to describe me as a lotus flower with her petals always wide open. And how sometimes I might try to protect my heart a little by folding my petals inwards a bit when encountering unkindness or aggression.

For me, this closing in without shutting off is a real challenge; it's like I can never tell before it's too late that this would be a good time for closing in a little.

This fall, I will make more of an effort to follow the lotus flower's balanced modeling of exuberant opening up and graceful closing in.

image: wiki

i've caused my sweet 4-year-old to lose her cool

First day of school

We had a sunny summer of bliss, Lilly and I, me taking time off from work to regain some perspective, and she growing ever more confident and amazingly competent at the pool and at the beach. There was no hurry. There was only savoring.

Then comes fall. "Fall of excitement, here I come!" I posted on Facebook while packing up for my first trip abroad to promote my book. Preschool resumed while I was gone; missing first day of that is in itself a faux pas.

I've never missed any of her big milestones. In fact, I've only been gone from her a single night before on two different occasions and that was both three years ago. Then towards the end of this summer, Leighton and I had our first couple's only vacation, leaving her with grandparents she doesn't see that often for three whole nights.

And then I go over seas for ten days. In turn she starts extended days in preschool so Leighton can get his work done.

Seeing her again at the airport last Tuesday was pure bliss. She was so happy to see me! So excited! And the feeling was completely mutual.

But then came the nights with my exasperation at her crawling all over my body. And a house full of stress with both Leighton and I having more than our share on our plate this fall. As they say; when it rains, it pours.

free to be you and me

What my first couple's only vacation since becoming a parent gave me was the opportunity to simply be free to be you and me. "We're off on our 'first romantic getaway,'" I wrote a couple of weeks ago, but that really didn't put the right spin on things at all. There's something so awfully 1950s about the term. Like she dresses up for him and he courts her, and they live happily ever after.

Our experience was nothing like that at all. What I found was the chance to drop our roles as both parents and husband-wife and simply have a lot of honest, sexy fun together. We both went giddy wild consignment shopping together for a whole afternoon, after which we drenched our thirst with local beer at one of the many brewery pubs in Fort Collins. We dressed up and dined at all the recommended restaurants I'd tracked down in Denver, but our conversations weren't dressed up. They were the kinds of conversation shared by best friends and lovers, fellow travel through life companions and soul mates. Lounging on roof top decks and court yard patios, surrounded by the nighttime fireworks of thunder and lightning, we not so much gazed lovingly at each other as we gave ourselves and took each other in completely with our words and eyes.

final summer bravado: first romantic getaway as parents

On this last morning of work before we head off on vacation, I've finished up a few things I had to do this week for an erotic film festival I'm co-curating. I was also going to work on an abstract for an article on the speed limits of women's desire in Norway. Instead I've found myself googling fun and romantic things to do in Denver, Colorado where Leighton and I will be spending a few days and nights while Lilly gets to visit her grandma and grandpa in Wyoming. It'll be our first couple's only vacation after Lilly was born and we are all very excited. I'm hoping it stays that way, and that we won't get a phone call with a crying child on the other end begging us to come get her. She had her first sleepover at a friend's house a couple of weeks ago while we went out to celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary, and we all had a wonderful time that night, so I'm hopeful. 

I'm particularly excited about the romantic date nights we've got planned, getting hungry just looking at all the mouthwatering pictures from recommended restaurants, such as Le Central (French food, French wine, French desserts... nothing says romance like a French bistro... Call ahead to reserve a spot in the delightful garden room at the back of the eatery for a French countryside ambiance); Cuba Cuba (Cuba Cuba offers traditional Cuban fare in a cozy setting — plus they serve Denver's best Mojitos. Dine by candlelight on the patio for that perfect date ambiance); Highland's Garden (Soak in the quiet ambiance of the restaurant while savoring the fine dining. After a sumptuous meal, stroll hand-in-hand through the gardens and take in the sights of the lush gardens); Tamayo (A rooftop deck that affords gorgeous views of the Front Range... This sleek, contemporary Mexican restaurant is appreciated equally for its to-die-for margaritas and tequilas and its unexpected, delicious takes on old standards); and Sushi Den (Wonderful, high-quality dishes are sure to please, and fresh fish is flown in daily — a practice that makes for a slightly pricier, but more than worthy, menu. The modern decor encourages trendy crowds to visit over sake, sushi, and sashimi).

fighting the US resistance to taking a break

It started out slowly. The sigh-it-out feeling of relief; that things are coming together; my first book will soon be released (which I hope will free and inspire a lot of moms and women — and dads and men! — in general to claim, own, and explore their sexuality on their terms). Suddenly all the blogging and Facebooking and Tweeting just seemed less urgent. Plus, the days were getting longer, warmer, sunnier. And are still lovingly long, warm, and sunny, even if we've passed the solstice.

I grew up in Scandinavia, light and heat deprived and all: how could I not seize the moment to soak in pleasure and joy right now?

So I did. Like I've done many times before (though not last summer when I was crunching in work hours to get said book done).

Taking time off is definitely not an uncommon thing to do for me and most of my fellow Norwegians (who claim five weeks of paid vacation each summer), as well as numerous continental Europeans. On the contrary: we take pride in it. Which is so unlike most Americans who in the US take pride in their workaholocism though their production and achievement focused obsession shows no improvement is results from those of the Europeans.

The Womanly Heartaches of Bleeding

Infertility

As if it's not hard enough going back to work after a lovely long holiday weekend, I got my period that day too. We've been trying to conceive another child for a good year now. In reality, I feel like we've been trying much longer. Heck, I was taking pregnancy tests before Lilly turned 1 and I didn't even get my period back until she was close to 3 and stopped nursing.

I winced upon seeing the blood. Lilly looked at me. "I got my period," I explained. "Oh," she said; "that means there's no baby. It's okay, mama; we can try again tomorrow!" (tomorrow representing all future tense for her at the moment) She smiled at me and I did find some comfort in her words.

people who never get angry frighten me

One of the things I respect the most in people is relentless honesty including on the less finer moments of life. Like couples' arguments, of which you don't see too many blunt personal anecdotes, despite their commonness and recent research finding couples arguing stay together. Which is why I ultimately fell in love with Poser with its forthright disclosure of everything, including marital bickering which the author, Claire Dederer, comes to see "not as the beginning of the end of the world but as just another way families communicate." "We bickered pleasantly," she concludes.

Recounts Dederer earlier in her book about a "not entirely successful" date night out, "that vaunted American custom," which, when you are married "buzzes irritatingly on the periphery of your consciousness, the way New Year's Eve does for single people." They were out on a date night to celebrate her birthday, but both were exhausted, possibly with the flu, and on deadlines. Feeling rebellion fomenting on her side of the table at the lack of her husband's courtship and conversation, she "glared briefly" at her husband.

introducing babysitters and parents-only vacations

Just in time before Lilly turns four, Leighton and I had our first date last weekend while she was with a babysitter. This isn't to say we haven't had dates before, child swapping with friends, but not too many times; 10 times tops. And with family scattered across the US, we've had a total of 4 dates while either visiting or being visited by them, counting a yoga class and coffee too.

Needless to say, we would have liked more dates, but we are not martyrs for having opted out of them.

First, both Leighton and I have been opposed to any needless stress and crying, and for us, leaving our child anxious and possibly crying, even in the care of good friends or close relatives, has not been an option. Instead, we've waited till she was ready for separation.

peace, love, courage: a yogi's mindful approach to birthdays

My birthday falls on the first day of spring, and spring is my favorite season, but not for that reason.

Spring has that ecstatic sentiment of new life to it—the rejuvenation of life—but also a tender, almost vulnerable, skinless feel to it.

Some spring days have me flying high, and I've been known to take my birthday celebration seriously. But this year I wanted a more mellow observation. Something sincerely true to where I'm at in my life right now. Which is a mixed bag.

Professionally, I really am flying high. I have a book coming out this fall; I got a new job; and I've been invited to give talks and readings from my book this fall in places around the world, including in Mexico, Norway, Germany, and England. I also have found more balance in my life, with more hours for me to work, and more opportunities for dates. I even got an extra special early pass at the gym, so my time working out there won't interfere with my work-work time.

mama gets to work

Work and Dates
used to look more like this.

I've been craving more time to pursue my work, so we've made some positive changes around here. Leighton has cut down on hours from his position, meaning I now have a total of at least 25 hours to work each week: 15 in the morning when Lilly's in preschool, and 10 spread out on three afternoons. Two days a week I have a full 7 hours, and I still get to pick up a hungry, tired, mama-needy Lilly from preschool and spend a couple of hours with her before I head back to the library to write.

It's a good thing for us. Now I get to be the coveted, fun parent at the end of the day at least a couple days a week. And I'm more patient when I'm around Lilly, in general just happier to see and be with her.

good arguing is good for the family

Research shows that arguing can be good for your marriage, but only if it's done right, reports the Star Tribune. "There's a difference between 'good fighting' and 'bad fighting,' and the latter can be as destructive as the former is beneficial."

I grew up in a house of anger and never knew there was such a thing as "good" or "constructive" arguing until I met the family of my first boyfriend. A raised voice still reduces my body to a pit of dread. In my head, I know that it can be totally fine and healthy to engage in a heated argument, but my body just doesn't trust it.

I really struggle with this one, because I want to be a good role model for Lilly. I want to be able to demonstrate constructive-issue-oriented arguing to her (as opposed to destructive-people-oriented, intentionally hurtful and abusive fighting) but I still haven't been able to have an argument with Leighton without feeling death, even if, when looking back on it, the argument was in fact quite "good," and with a sense of closure, resolution, at the end. Says William Doherty, a professor in the University of Minnesota's Department of Family Social Science, about arguing in front of your children:

the other side of the holiday card

If you received our holiday card and think everything's swell over here, let me clarify:

Lilly went to summer school and nature camp and music camp over the summer. So she was prepared and very eager to start at her Montessori preschool. Every day she looks forward to school. We are proud of her and have heard many telling reports about how happy she is there, very social but also concentrated on her work.

This is all true, but fails to mention that Lilly has been sick with one cold after another all fall long, ending on a big note with an eye infection on the first day of the holiday break, after which followed strep throat symptoms. She remains under the weather.

Anne has more time to write, now that Lilly is at school every morning. She completed translating a manuscript into English, and is shopping it around at publishers. She has had very encouraging feedback from an agent and even a request for a proposal for her second book. All the time and effort she has put into creating her online platform—including three of her own websites—is starting to pay off, as she is now being sought out in both the US and Norway.

women with "wrong" bodies and attempts at healing

Lilly and I: May she never be
told her body is "wrong."

Women are constantly bombarded with imageries that tell them there's somehow something wrong with their bodies; that they don't measure up. But this post is not about those kind of "wrong" bodies. This post is about when Western medicine tells women their bodies don't function right; that they're "wrong."

I got this message from an early age. Feeling unsafe at home, I suffered from insomnia from an early age. I had headaches, frequent colds, and in general a poor constitution. There were concerns I would go deaf when I grew up because my hearing was "poor" (I think it was selective). And they wanted to test me for diabetes since I was "too thirsty" all the time (see, I've always been a swiller.)

The real problems started when I "failed" to get my period. I maybe had a little spotting at some point late in middle school, but it never developed into anything. When I was 18, this was cause for alarm. There were frequent hormone tests and attempts at jumpstarting my period with strong birth control pills; pills that were later taken off the market because of near fatal side effects.

sex & conception: the heartaches of calculated pregnancies

Me and Lilly, June 2008

We've been trying to have another baby. We've been trying for more than two years. Granted, I did only get my period back this past spring, a couple of months before she turned three and she told me there was no more left.

I was overjoyed when my period returned in April. I have hated it whenever it's since paid its monthly visit.

It always bothered me I never knew when we actually conceived Lilly. Back then, we were newly married and could act like rabbits. Sex wasn't something we planned or decided to do; it just happened. Often. It was sweet.

Things are a little a lot more complicated now. I'm a fan of the quicky; weekend "naps" are great. When they happen, that is. As far as I can remember, Lilly has always resisted naps, and especially during the weekend when she has both parents around. By the time Lilly's in bed at night, we're all exhausted.

equally shared parenting hurts

As a feminist and equal rights advocate, I was surprised and slightly disgruntled to experience how hard it was to let go of my position as the "primary-parent." I'd been with Lilly 24 -7 that first year of her life so you'd think I'd be ready for a break. Which I craved, but the transition still took some time. And arguing.

Equally shared parenting. It's actually a term and now there's a book for it too. In it, the authors stress that moms must relinquish "primary-parent status:"

If you want lasting and happy equal childraising with your partner, you will need to:

1. Stop thinking of babies and children as your territory.
2. Quit taking on more than half the childraising work and responsibility.
3. Give up the right to be your child's most important parent. (60)

And that second year of Lilly's life, we did it, Leighton and I, sharing our days writing and being with her, playing, cleaning, shopping, cooking.

Correction: the sharing was never equal. I still nursed her day and night. And up until only a couple of weeks ago, I've been the one sharing my bed with her with her body next to me / on top of me.

I am still slightly resentful for how Leighton and I stuck to a schedule where we'd each get a couple of mornings to write (seeing that's the preferred writing time for both of us). On the days when it was my turn to write in the afternoon, I'd still linger after lunch, trying to nurse her down for nap. Which would ultimately eat up half my writing time, leaving me brainless for the rest of it.

I don't know why we held on to that arrangement for so long. The idealism of it. Why I could never suggest we change things up a bit.

with financial crisis, what's a good time for a second child?

I couldn't help feeling mixed when a close friend announced last summer that she was pregnant with number two. For about a year we'd been talking about how neat it'd be to conceive our second child around the same time, to go through pregnancy, child birth, and the parenting of an infant side by side. And when she shared her happy news with me, I was still sipping my red raspberry tea on a loyal daily basis, seeing as how it promised to support my female system.

(Baby belly number 1)

Well, I'm still sipping that tea and no ovulation in sight. You might think it'd be nice not to have had a period since August 2007, but frankly I miss it. I mean, it's always been an irregular visitor; so whenever it did show up I felt proud about my body and what it was capable of. Nursing gives me that sense too, of course, and I'm not feeling ready to wean just to see if that could help boost my female system in other areas.

Now that we're delving into the entrepreneurial line of work after our countless failed job searches, the grief around the unconceived second child has waned significantly. With barely any income, a second child just does not seem opportune at all. And feeling like I've found the kind of work I really want to do, more than anything, I want to devote any free (and not so free) moment to our LOVE, SEX, AND FAMILY resource center, not to see all my time consumed by taking care of a little baby.

There's already too little time to work, now that Leighton is so busy with some extra work hours, adding development training and an internship on top of that, pushing his thesis work to the side more and more. But I am claiming some time, and our LOVE, SEX, AND FAMILY site is steadily growing. And I am (not so) secretly looking forward to Lilly beginning Montessori preschool for three hours a day Monday through Friday this fall, and feel excited about the prospect of having her in Montessori''s summer program this June for three hours a day.

So then why, after a few days of feeling particularly lusty for my hubby--despite us all being sick around here; runny noses typically sapping my libido--do I find myself wondering with some anticipation: Could I be ovulating? Might we be joined by a Christmas baby?

Biological instinct? Psychological urge? Emotional sentimentality? It sure doesn't feel like it's rational reasoning in any case.

taking time to work on the business - and our relationship

At a workshop I attended earlier this week to learn more about starting up my own Love, Sex, Family business, one of the presenter talked about the importance of taking time to work on the business and not just in it. Yesterday, Leighton and I got the day off to do just that, while Lilly was at her best friend's house. Then in today's paper there was an article on how couples are finding enrichment by participating in retreats. Specifically, the article was about Heart to Heart Workshops, offering "all committed couples the opportunity to examine their relationship together - their strengths and weaknesses, their attitudes, their hurts, desires, ambitions, disappointments, joys and frustrations - and to do so openly and honestly in a private/safe face-to face, heart-to-heart encounter."

As it turned out, Leighton and I got our own little heart to heart retreat yesterday too, because as a part of my homework, I'm supposed to take inventory and record a list of my own strengths, and another of my weaknesses, and then reflect on how the former may or may not compensate for the latter. Since Leighton's working with me on Love, Sex, Family, his strengths become part of the calculation, e.g. his technical skills in programming and web design, his creative ideas, and his listening skills that make him an amazing resource for bouncing off ideas.

party with kids

I have fond memories from when I was a kid of being with my parents at their parties. I loved how their friends would come over with their kids, and how after dinner, the kids would play in the family room while the adults would drink and dance and be merry. I just loved seeing them all festive and happy, enjoying themselves, taking a break from the nagging routine of everyday life.

We hosted a Norwegian Christmas tree party this past weekend and it was such a blast for so many reasons. Firstly, it was a thrill for me to share this tradition with friends here, dancing and singing around the tree singing songs. But lo and behold, with about a dozen kids at our tiny (850 sq. ft.) house, all of a sudden, no child was in sight and the adults got to talk and enjoy their snacks and drinks while all the kids--except for one tiny baby who apparently was content sleeping in whose ever arms--played happily in Lilly's room.

It was am amazing experience. Not only may dance parties soon be in sight, I got to feel like an adult person at a party, all dressed up, and no snot streaks to show (runny noses on kids seem a fixture of winter).

This was an important milestone for us. Since we can't afford to pay someone to watch Lilly, we barely get a date and that night I felt like I was on a date with Leighton at a real party with good friends. What a treat; I hope there are more in store in the near future.