the vulnerability of writing

I'm writing a new book and it makes me feel skinless. It's a painful and slow process and it's all I can to do. I write and I cringe and I edit and write and cringe over and over again. I become hyper critical of my writing. I look at old posts and I cringe. I look at new posts and I cringe.

Leighton reminds me it's always like this for me when I start a new writing project, that this is also how it was when I was in the early stages of writing my After Pornified book. I would write and go back and cringe and edit, over and over again.

getting up and going down

Lilly turned four last Friday: goggles was on the top of her wishlist. She tried them on in the bathtub last weekend as the rain poured down outside, and then when we went to the pool on Monday, she excitedly started jumping up and down, prepping to duck her head down beneath water. And then she did it! Just like that. She enthusiastically kept jumping and ducking up and down, over and over again.

It's not that she's fearless or reckless; it's not that there isn't some apprehension. It's just that this is something she's been wanting to do, testing the waters to do, for a very long time. Lilly, as a close friend of mine once pointed out, very much demonstrates a sense of caution and competence. The quality of standing back and observing, making judgment of what she may or may not be capable of doing; what may or may not be wise to be doing; what she truly would like to be doing or not. I'm quite impressed and invigorated by this modeling; I'd like to do the same.

So this week, I've worked on kicking up into handstand.

four years and healing

After 64 hours of labor: first of many nights together

My child turns four today. How did it happen? Where did those sucking-at-the-breast all the time days go? Now replaced by the talking-all-the-time days. They were, are, both wonderful and draining at the same time, sucking it all out of me while filling me up again all the more too. Plus with some.

Really, I do feel, as I posted on Facebook a couple of nights ago, that my child is my little yodi; my little teacher and inspiration.

i don't have ADD, just an interesting EEG

I posted a while back that my therapist suggested I be assessed for ADHD. I've been experiencing inattentive moments since I can remember, but this can also be caused by my anxiety/PTSD. The therapist who tested me for ADHD concluded that I do not have many symptoms consistent with other adults who have ADHD, just "an interesting EEG," as he put it.

Apparently, adults with ADHD experience inattention more persistently whereas all the QEEG recordings done of my brain electrical activity ("brainwaves") show a pattern of transient half second "momentary lapses." It is possible that these lapses occur more frequently under stress, amplifying my experiences with anxiety; of not being in control. Because they don't feel like merely drifting off or tuning out in conversation. They have a more jolting, disconcerting effect of dropping into a black hole; like something was entirely lost for a split second and I can't hold on to anything.

The Womanly Heartaches of Bleeding

Infertility

As if it's not hard enough going back to work after a lovely long holiday weekend, I got my period that day too. We've been trying to conceive another child for a good year now. In reality, I feel like we've been trying much longer. Heck, I was taking pregnancy tests before Lilly turned 1 and I didn't even get my period back until she was close to 3 and stopped nursing.

I winced upon seeing the blood. Lilly looked at me. "I got my period," I explained. "Oh," she said; "that means there's no baby. It's okay, mama; we can try again tomorrow!" (tomorrow representing all future tense for her at the moment) She smiled at me and I did find some comfort in her words.